SARU: WHY HEALING IS MAGIC
Monday, January 22, 2024
*Trigger warning: general mental health topics and brief mention of suicide.*
Saru’s journey is marked by a series of trials that would have left many disheartened, but she emerged from each challenge with newfound wisdom and spirit. Her eyes, though they may reflect the scars of the past, also gleam with a sense of purpose and a vision for a brighter future. Ambition courses through her veins like a steady heartbeat. Don’t mistake her for a young girl – she is a rising tide, here to stay.
Saru starts her story with a very hard reality.
Losing a loved one to suicide is a heart-wrenching experience. I cannot even begin to tell you how much a person can go through. My father died by suicide when I was just a baby. My mother took all the pain and grief as a shielding armor and protected me. She was not educated, and she came from a low-income family. My grandparents ran a community church and also a Children’s Home affiliated through the church. To financially support us, my older brother went to India. Our family suddenly seemed to be running at a new wild pace just to survive, while the rest of the world kept turning.
Kopila Valley Connection
One day, my mother stumbled upon an opportunity. Kopila Valley Women's Center was recruiting women for sewing training classes, completely free of charge. She finished her training and eventually got a job there. Her job provided food on our table, books for my school, and clothes to keep me warm.
Every day, in the afternoon my mom would come home tired and tattered but content. She would tell me stories about her colleagues, how they’ve also lost their husband, are divorced, or are single parents. She told me she could relate to them.
Tragedy Again
One fateful day, someone brought grim news to my school. They told me my mother had taken her own life. I thought someone was pranking me. This could not be true. Not my strong, bold mother, who fought through the war of life.
My world collapsed that day, when I returned from school to an eerie silence that hung heavy in the air. The usual warmth of my home had been replaced by a haunting stillness that sent shivers down my spine. Slowly the ground of my home was pooled by neighbors and relatives. I think I was around ten years old then. After that, I don’t think I knew how to fall asleep at night.
Eventually, my grandfather came to take me in, and he raised me in his Children’s Home, with all the children he had under his care.
I was enrolled in Kopila Valley School when I was fifteen years old. I was still grieving at the moment and making sense of what had happened in my childhood. I was old enough to understand what suicide meant, and I was enraged.
My emotions started teetering between rage and sadness and somewhere in between, inflicting pain. I kept asking myself, ‘Why didn’t they think about me?’ ‘Why did they leave me alone?’ There are unspoken answers, a void, an explanation I cannot form.
Not Alone
I have to say, Kopila Valley School made me feel I was not alone.
People surrounded me with warm love, I made friends, formed sisterhood, and was always thankful for the warm meal each day. It made me feel like my mom herself prepared it for me.
What Next?
I graduated from Kopila Valley School in the year 2021 and immediately took an entrance exam for the course of Nursing. You might be wondering why I chose nursing, but I think you can easily guess. I wanted an answer to ‘WHY.’
Why would a parent want to die? Why would they leave their children behind? Why didn’t they tell me?
My favorite thing about nursing was the hospital rotation. Stepping into the hospital for the first time, adorned in my white uniform, brought a surge of emotions. But I especially looked forward to chatting with patients. Their stories held a storm of pain and happiness. They were fighting internal battles, and I could provide some hope. This phase of my life and schooling helped me understand why people make the decision to leave.
I am now in Kathmandu, preparing for my Nursing License, only because I’ve found the answer to the ‘WHY,’ and it is ‘HEALING’. People need it, and I can give it.
I want to help others heal. People need healing.
That tender-hearted 10-year-old me was full of questions. And now, since I've found my answer, I have a dream. I want to journey the path of healing wounds, healing souls, and healing hearts.
Reflecting on my parents’ deaths, I see how grief has held me back in some ways. I tend to be guarded around new people, only telling them little bits about my family life. I am easily triggered by any mention of suicide or mental health.
I am healing slowly, and progressively. I no longer hold resentment for what my parents did, though it haunts me every time I think about it.
I understand how fragile life is. As Dale Carnegie wrote, “every day is a new life to a wise man,” I have come to realize that means there is an opportunity to heal day by day.
I have remained open to emotions and learned new ways to move forward.
We are thrilled to have one of our very own Kopila Valley School graduates write this guest blogger series and share alumni stories! Anjali Karki graduated in 2019 and is pursuing a Bachelor's Degree in Journalism along with a journalism career. We can’t wait to see what each of these world-changers does next. Follow us on social media with the series hashtag (#NarrateYourKopilaStory) for more about these young adults and their adventures.