The Well
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Running a school is a lot of work. That's an understatement. Truth be told, I'm exhausted most of the time. I was born with an eye for detail and as a result, I notice anything and everything. Little things like, dust on a shelf, a hint ringworm behind a child's ear, a crooked chart hanging on the wall, a book in the wrong place in the library, papers that need to laminated, something to add to the shopping list, and on and on and on. Then there's always bigger things that come up; our solar battery not working resulting in pitch black nights trying to put 35 kids to bed. Issues with water, putting in a new line and digging a well, and as for the phone lines, well they always seem to be down when I need them. A one-year-old, a two-year-old, a three-year-old, and all the way up to a few thirteen-year-olds. Firing teachers, hiring teachers. A playground, garden, animals, and compost to tend, bills to be paid, a staff and team of now 25+ for 220+ kids, and guess what? After all the drama with Scorpio these past few months, just in time my car insurance company has gone on strike. I could go on and on and on and on but I won't. The problem I've been having as of late is that I find my mind running and rattling 24 hours a day thinking about all the things I need to do or delegate and when I lay down at night it's hard to do anything except feel and appreciate the stillness in my body. And when I'm with my children and my family and the people I love I find it difficult to stay PRESENT.
A year and a half ago when I started all of this I told myself that it was okay to go and go and go non-stop like crazy because I was building a school. I decided to put this school on a priority list above all things, my body, my relationships, my home. I ran on little sleep, with reserve energy, caffeinated tea, and coca cola. I told myself it was okay not to sleep as much as I needed or eat enough food, or take a long hot shower when I wanted one. And I don’t regret it, and I'm not complaining, not one little bit. I look back and have good memories, the best. BUT I will say that I was naive enough to think it would all get better soon and that the load would lessen, that I would have time later to play with my children in the backyard, make spaghetti dinner on Friday nights, read a book, write my friends an email, or sit in my room with peace and quiet for a minute. Boy was I ever wrong, there's just more and more and more to do and it's all snowballed leaving me at times very much drained and depleted. At the same time, I deeply love the work I do and have fun doing it. I use my happiness to justify the tiredness and the exhaustion. But those days are over. I can see the bigger picture now and I’ve decided to slow things down a little over here. At least for now, I'm sleeping a little more, creating a little more space for me and my children and family. I am filling the well. Metaphorically and literally (we started digging this week.) What a perfect start for January.
Pictures soon, promise!