Love Letter #35 (50 Love Letters)
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
On May 19, 2017, we celebrated what would have been Ravi's 3rd birthday together as a family up at the site of our new school campus. To honor his life and keep his memory alive, donations made in honor of Ravi will support the purchase of a new piece of land to expand our campus: www.blinknow.org/newland.
Sweet baby of my heart. This is killing me. This the last thing on the planet I would have ever wanted. I want you here, laying on my chest like you always were. I want to be stroking your hair and kissing your cheeks or splashing in the bathtub together. I want you in our Baby Bjorn going on adventures and in the grocery cart shopping for dinner and playing with your 49 brothers and sisters. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. You taught me the deepest kind of love I’ve ever known. I miss you so much the word miss won’t ever feel enough and all the wishing hoping and praying in the world won’t bring you back.
When I can’t sleep and the pain feels like too much, I try to go back in time to that day when I took off of work and we drove over to the farm and watched the ponies and the goats. You giggled at the top of your lungs every time the goats jumped up over the fence and ate out of our hands. Then we walked through the sunflower maze with a few thousand of the biggest sunflowers I’d ever seen. We went and picked raspberry after raspberry after raspberry. Your chubby cheeks were covered in them. You were eating them faster than I could pick them and I thought we were going to get in trouble because you’re not supposed to eat the berries until after you pay. Then we went and played in the peach orchard eating peach after peach after peach. We sat under the peach tree while you practiced your crawling and your standing and giggled some more. I take myself back to underneath that peach tree. I remember how happy we were. I actually remember thinking there in that moment that that was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.
I remember you and I re-enacting the scene from "Lady and the Tramp"...you with one end of the noodle and me with the other, and how you would laugh and laugh. I remember dancing with you every single day. How you loved music and shaking your booty to it.
You were the best baby on the face of this planet. You were pure joy. You made everyone around you happy. You made our family happy. You made the world happy and full of hope. You spent your days dancing and giggling and clapping your hands. You’d look at me and hold my face and say, "Mama, Mama, Mama." It’s been so hard to live without you. I want nothing to do with a life without you. I miss you now, because on Satuday you would have turned three, but I also miss you as a five-year-old and a teenager and I'm sad I won’t get to see the man you would have become. You would have been all that is good and true in this world.
I don’t know where you are. I want you back. You are my heart and I’ll live each and every day and each and every moment remembering you and living with my Ravi heart and taking care of your brothers and sisters. Thank you for teaching me the best kind of love that exists. Thank you for loving me more than I’ve ever been loved by anyone. Thank you for guiding me and protecting me these last few months as my guardian angel. The only thing worse than losing you, would have been to never have loved you at all.